#ButGOD Moments

When hashtags started to become popular I jumped on the bandwagon. My husband, who loathes social media, had to explain them to me and then tried to compel me not to use them. If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram you know I ignored him. I don’t use them too often (I’m sure it’s worse than I think) but there’s one in particular that I cherish…#ButGOD.

Lately I’ve been more aware of the #ButGOD moments in my life. It’s not that they don’t happen every day; I mean I wake up every morning. #ButGOD. But lately there’s been some that have been so loud, and so big that I can’t help but say, #ButGOD. Like my aunt beating Stage 3 cancer. #ButGOD. Or me finding out that the pulsing in my ear isn’t caused by a tumor or mass in my ear…just an anomaly of a vein. #ButGOD. Or the doctors finding an aneurysm, though it small, while looking for something else. One that may not have been found until it was too late. #ButGOD. Or the simple fact that I can even write this when six years ago I was contemplating killing myself because my anxiety and depression were so bad and I felt so hopeless. #ButGOD.

And there are so many more moments I could tell you about. I could fill buckets with the tears I’ve cried over those moments. I could write pages of the moments in my life, my husband’s, my family’s, and friends’. No matter what has happened… #ButGOD.

Some people shout. Others dance, while others sing praises to our Lord. Me? I hashtag. So when you see #ButGOD, consider that my shout, my run, my dance, and my song all rolled into one.

Until next time…

The Heart of a Child

Back in late February Josephine decided she wanted to be baptized. It took me by surprise because at the time she was only five and after talking to her, she eluded to the fact that she wanted to do it so she could be like my niece (who she absolutely adores).

Honestly, I was skeptical. I knew the importance of this step and wanted her to fully understand what she was committing to. I spoke with her Baptism teacher and Jacob and I decided to wait another month so she could get the entire class and be in a smaller group. Well, she’s being baptized May 1st. My skepticism was far less important than what God was saying to my daughter’s heart and head.

That simply amazes me. I grew up knowing who God was. But I didn’t quite understand what it meant to commit my life to Him and wasn’t baptized until I was 25. When I look at my 6 year old I’m in awe of her innocence and her desire to make God the head of her life. Does she fully understand? Maybe not completely. But do I fully understand what it means? I’m going with a no. I’m still, as her mother, working some things out with my relationship with God. I’m still trying to manuever my way around my life in Christ.

She’s getting an early start. I know it’s because she was poured into while at Temple Days Daycare. I know it’s because she was poured into during Sis. Nash’s and Sis. Kee’s Sunday school classes,  nursery lessons with her TT, and Children’s Church at Bethlehem Baptist Church. I know it’s because we’ve tried to show her the importance of prayer and living a life pleasing to God. And I believe more than anything it’s to force me to be better.

I keep wanting to say to her, now remember, if you’re going to be baptized, you have to work on that attitude. Or how you talk to folks, or etc. And after I punch myself in the gut with those words, I realize that He’s talking to me.

I’m proud of her. I’m also praying because I know that while the angels in heaven will be rejoicing, the devil will go into over time. But if she keeps that heart for God that she’s developed, she’ll be just fine.

Until next time….

Out from Under the Rock

I haven’t written in a while. I lost count of the number of days and stopped checking my stats for fear that I would see nothing. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment where I ‘lost my voice’ but things have been, for a lack of a better word, crazy.

Between the sick kid and husband, sick mama, and kid on the loose debacle I couldn’t keep my head above water. Oh, and in the last month I’ve had 3 different MRIs (I didn’t even know that was possible) and 2 CT Scans (1 which resulted in a blown vein). All those tests and a couple thousand dollars later (thank GOD for good health insurance), I find out I have an aneurysm so small that I don’t even have to see a neurologist. Oh and the sound of my heartbeat in my ears? Most likely is because my brain is wired weird and can only be rectified by shaving my skull – apparently that’s a thing. In a nutshell I’m fine…just have to take care of myself. Which I should be doing anyway since I have a husband and two kids that need and want me around.

Needless to say, I’ve been under a rock. Thanks to LOTS of prayer and my new dose of anxiety medicine I didn’t dig a hole while under the rock and bury myself. But I was speechless. I mean yes, I went to work and church, was Mom, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend, etc. But Corliss? The REAL Corliss was trapped somewhere between utter disbelief (because how did a trip to the ENT land me in a personal relationship with the imaging center) and despair (that was short-lived) and I just didn’t have much to say. Everybody saw a shell of me. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t sad, I was just living.

The reality is I think that we all go through this at some point. Life scoops us up and takes us on a roller coaster ride that never seems to stop. We scream at the top of our lungs but no sound comes out. We go through the motions of life but we don’t actually go anywhere. And while it seems to be terrible, it’s really not.

This current wave of shenanigans in my life has made me appreciate my family, my friends, my church family, my work family, and my God even more. It’s forced me to slow down and take care of me. It’s as a friend says, mellowed me out. But I’m back to writing. And that feels good.

Until next time….